Finding the Love I Want From Within

Self love is a process of discovery, celebration and care.
GrayNdiayeGrayNdiaye
Jun. 24, 2020
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Cherie is an online community of beauty lovers sharing their stories; whether that's their favorite products, makeup tutorials, or skincare routines. Download the app today to be a part of #BeautyWithoutBarriers and show the world what beauty means to you!“I fall in love with myself, and I want someone to share it with me. I want someone to share me, with me” ~Eartha Kitt I write this while snacking on taquitos and casually swimming through Tinder, well aware that I am in the midst of a transformation—on a journey through self-love and healing. One of the constant issues I struggle with is not being in a relationship, causing me to remain unintentionally celibate. Though I desire love, I know that I am not ready for it right now. However, I am definitely not ready for unfulfilling hookups.In the past I have put myself out there and had some rather interesting encounters. From closeted church deacons to polyamorous playboys, I have run the gamut yet still felt empty. Being skinny while having a dark terracotta complexion, I’ve often been met with rejection. This is not to self-deprecate but to express my dilemma of fitting into the community that is uplifted during June. Through this journey of discovery and embracing my identity, I realized that I too have some biases to eliminate. The “Adonis” that much of my fellow gay men dream of is not real or my type. I will never be that type myself. Chasing after sex is not my ministry, I crave real intimacy and love. As I am in the midst of an awakening, I am willing to close my legs to be open to love.
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The world as we know it is experiencing uncertain times, for the month of Pride, I have chosen to celebrate in my own way. I do not honor Pride simply for the rainbow ridden parades but rather the hope that the rainbow carries. The hope and resilience it represents for those of us who are told we are walking abominations—especially my Black siblings under the rainbow. Pride is a time to reflect on how far we have come and to find the pride within ourselves. How much do we love ourselves? How much will we love others? In the midst of turbulence, we remain steadfast. Use the month of Pride to learn to accept yourself and be honest with yourself. If you do not want monogamy, that is fine. If you wish to find your soulmate then be honest about that. Nothing started progressing for me until I was honest about who I was and what I desired. Love is at the center of this month and without love of self, it is difficult to have or experience true love.
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Learn to love your unique self. When you do not fit certain standards, embrace those qualities that make you different. Continue to dive into those parts of yourself that you were taught to dismiss as you consistently remind yourself of who you are. My name is Gray; I am an eccentric Black, gay man who is a hopeFUL romantic and currently unintentionally celibate. Who are you? “Normal girl…I wish I was a normal girl...I'll never be...” ~SZA
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Trying to find the culprit... HELP!
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